by: Brenda Shoshanna
We all feel that the world is stable and secure, that change and loss will not come into our lives. When it does, not only do we experience deep shock and sorrow, but our normal anchors disappear. Confusion, numbness, and helplessness can arise. Needless to say, it takes time to absorb these changes. Along with a sense of abandonment and sorrow, anger and struggle often replace the comfort and strength an individual needs. Most have little understanding of what they are going through, or what to expect in the future.
Yet crisis means opportunity. This period can become a time of growth and inspiration when handled properly. There are many ways in which loss and change can be dealt with so that an individual can benefit and grow as a result of it. When the journey of loss and change is properly understood and handled, much later grief and difficulty can also be forestalled.
The Dynamics of Loss And Change
When change or loss comes into our lives we see that we are not in control. Some have depended greatly upon a person, job or situation and have not gotten in touch with their own inner strength. Others have not paused to consider where their true security lay. When familiar supports are taken from them, they often have to re-evaluate their entire lives.
Different Ways Of Reacting To Change and Loss
Each person reacts differently. These differences must be respected. Some feel alone and abandoned. Others feel cheated by life, angry and threatened. Some reach out for love and comfort, others take time to be alone or withdraw. For some the need arises to maintain stability at all costs. They may go into denial and pretend that nothing much has gone on. (These individuals are just doing their best to maintain the semblance of normalcy). They do not f eel ready to react as yet.
The way we respond at a crucial point in life is the result of how we have lived our entire lives. Of course, sooner or later, reactions do arise. Reality will set in. When an individual feels more able to deal with their feelings, the repressed feelings arise to the forefront. It is important not to judge yourself or others for their way of reacting. When the individual is accepted for who they are at the moment, it is easier for them to let go, and move on.
Relating With Loss Directly
As time passes, it is important to allow oneself to experience what happened directly. In order to do so there is a fundamental assumption that must be questioned. It is the idea that pain is terrible and must be avoided at all costs. Instead, it is necessary to realize that pain is natural and change is an inevitable part of life. Once we stop fearing and fighting our feelings, once we learn to listen to them closely, we find that the pain itself has a meaning, it's there to be listened to.
As we become willing to experience our feelings as they arise, not only do we grow stronger, but the pain is then able to dissolve. We are then involved in the process of acceptance, of making friends with all of life. In this way we are actually healing and developing new strength.
Exercise: Do Not Resist Feelings
Feelings that are repressed indefinitely, come out later in different ways, including various physical symptoms, phobias and unwanted behaviors. If we do not address our feelings in one mode, they will appear in another - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It takes courage and strength to face our situation directly, and come to terms.
Do not try to control or resist feelings. They do not mean that something is wrong with you. When they arise be gentle with yourself, kind and patient. When these feelings are not resisted, they pass more easily. Not only will you find new comfort, but you will then become able to move forward, start again and relate with all of life.
