by: Pascoe Sawyers
Pascoe Sawyer, author of MePLC: Your Life Is Your Business, talks about the five irrational, but potentially fatal, fears that must be conquered by anyone who wants to make 2008 the year when they take things to the next level.
There are some very important F words to think about when in pursuit of success in life. Being flexible, forward-thinking, frugal in management of resources, and frank with yourself and with others are just a few examples. But without a doubt, the most significant F word is “fearless.”
This is not the same as saying you should have no fear. Fear is a very natural human feeling and, in truth, can play a key role in inspiring and motivating us to achieve our goals. The fear we need to free ourselves from is that irrational fear which has been described as being “false evidence appearing real.”
Understanding and being able to distinguish between these two very different feelings is crucial. Rational fear, in moderation, can be a huge asset to the business of running your life. Irrational fear can be its most debilitating liability.
Rational fear can protect you from psychological and physical danger, and be a key source of motivation. The perfectly rational fear of being dependent on others can help motivate you to become more self-reliant. And a fear of being caught out can motivate you to be more organised, prepared, and generally dedicated to achieving your goals. But irrational fear, which can affect almost all of us at various stages in our lives, can paralyse.
In this sense fear can be a messenger, but should never be the message. For this reason, I’d say rational fear isn’t even fear at all. So from here on in, when I talk about fear, I’m talking about irrational fear.
The first step along the road to being truly fearless requires you to conquer all and any irrational fears you may have about the fact that you control your own destiny. Irrational fear is among the most powerful negative emotion we can ever experience. It is the voice that tells us all the reasons why there is no point in setting goals, let alone striving to achieve them.
Specifically, I’m talking about the five fatal fears that will make the management of destiny more difficult and challenging than it needs to be: fear of criticism, fear of failure, fear of change, fear of success, and fear of flying.
What are the key things you need to be fearless about? Well, right at the top of the list is criticism. It’s in there at number one because it is among the most prevalent irrational fears, in its various forms, and because it can be the most damaging. The good news, however, is that it is also one of the easiest to deal with.
Criticism – from friends, family, colleagues, your boss, from people you like and people you dislike, or from people you don’t even know – is nothing to be afraid of. The mere fact that a person may choose to criticise you doesn’t necessarily mean that they are right and you are wrong. All it means is that, for whatever reason (and the reason doesn’t really matter), they have a different point of view on the situation.
Fear of criticism stops us taking chances, being creative and innovative, or just saying what we feel, because of a worry that someone, somewhere, will say something like “how stupid is that?” And its power is such that the criticism doesn’t even have to occur for the fear to kick in. We only have to think it might, have experienced it before, or see it happen to someone else, and that’s enough to stop those who fear it dead in their tracks.
One of the big ironies about fear of criticism is that constructive criticism is a fantastic tool for those who want to improve what they do or the way they are doing it. Far from fearing it, as an effective leader of self you should encourage and value the challenge presented by constructive criticism. In a sense, all criticism is constructive if you choose to see it that way.
In at number two in our list of the most irrational and debilitating fears is the fear of failure. Fear of failure is very closely related to fear of criticism or rejection, but it also has its own very distinctly irrational qualities. We live in a society where being seen to fail at anything can make you the lowest of the low: a loser, inadequate, or plain just not good enough.
No one wants to be a loser, but unlike the fear of criticism which can stop you from even trying, a fear of failure is more likely to prevent you from finishing things properly, pushing yourself to fulfill your full potential, or taking the credit you deserve for a job well done.
Young children are generally not afflicted with this fear. Watch any children around you, and you’ll see that they can’t wait to get out of whatever box you put them in. Life for a young child is all about pushing boundaries, trying new things, and seeing if they can do it better and better each time they have a go at it. So the first thing to remember about fear of failure is that it’s not a natural state, it’s learned behaviour – which means it can be unlearned.
Paradoxically, although we are socialised into the idea that failure is a bad thing, we only need look at successful figures in history to understand why axiomatic phrases like “you learn from your mistakes” and “you can’t win ‘em all” make so much sense.
Take Abraham Lincoln, for example. In his career, he dealt with two failed businesses, two failed courtships, and five failed attempts to be elected to public office. But he also became a successful self-taught lawyer, a happily married man, and the 16th president of the United States.
Lincoln’s failures did not deter him, but in fact inspired him to be more persistent in pursuit of his goals, gaining him invaluable knowledge, skills, and experience along the way. In a sense, like many successful people before and after him, he had to become good at failing in order to succeed.
Failure provides an opportunity to learn how and where you need to raise your game. From this point of view, far from being something to fear, it is something that anyone who is serious about succeeding needs to understand and embrace.
The fear of failure almost always has more impact on you than the failure itself. So, in addition to what’s already been said about failure, some good cold analysis of what you’ve got to lose, particularly in relation to what you stand to gain, will always help whenever you feel anxiety about failing to achieve whatever you set out to do.
And here’s another thought to bear in mind: if your worry is that failure will make you feel like a loser, or inadequate, then try imagining how it feels to be someone who has a reputation for copping out.
The third fear to eliminate from your psyche is fear of change. Fear of change is central to all five fatal fears and presents an additional major threat to our growth because it’s the one, more than any other, which keeps us stuck in our perceived comfort zone. It is not possible for any truly ambitious human being to thrive in a static, unchanging environment, so understanding and overcoming any fear of change is essential.
It is a natural human reaction to find change unsettling. Even young children are unnerved at the sight of a new baby sitter or nursery nurse. And we adults find the most mundane of changes, like having to take a new route to work or having to sit in a different seat to watch the TV, unsettling at first. This is partly to do with that fact that most of us are, by nature, creatures of habit, but the most significant factor is that we associate change with endings and endings with finality, or death. As a result, we can find change difficult even if we are clear in our minds that the change is desirable.
The best way to combat fear of change is first to recognise that treating the change as a transitional process rather than a single-step action will usually transform the experience. In their article titled Leading Transition: A New Model for Change, leadership development experts William Bridges and Susan Mitchell Bridges argue that understanding this transitional process is key to successfully managing personal and organisational change:
“Transition is the state that change puts people into. The change is external (the different policy, practice, or structure that the leader is trying to bring about), while transition is internal (a psychological reorientation that people have to go through before the change can work).”
In your case, as an individual striving for your goals, the “leader” and the “people” are one and the same – it’s all about you – but the principle is nonetheless relevant. This is especially important when we are talking about significant life changes, like moving from wherever you are now to where you want be by the end of this year. Bridges and Mitchell argue that the transitional process consists of three distinct stages, all of which may need to be experienced in order to successfully complete the change.
Saying goodbye is about letting go of the way that things used to be. Many people find this excruciatingly difficult because they have to let go of things or ways of living which may have proved successful (however limited) in the past. They may feel they are in danger of losing their sense of identity, or even of “reality” itself.
Shifting into neutral is the “neutral zone” between letting go of the old and accepting the new. An uncomfortable place where no one wants to be for too long, it is also the place where real transition takes place. It is essential that we invest thought and time into getting the most out of our sojourn in this neutral space. Remember, your mind and spirit will be much better able to achieve the new goals and objectives you set for yourself, if they are given a chance to make sense of the change that needs to happen and how it fits into the bigger goals/objectives picture.
Moving forward is the final transitional stage, the point at which any fear of change should have been conquered. But while it may seem obvious that it’s possible to fall at the first and second stages in the process, you need to be aware that it is also possible to trip up at this hurdle. It can be a daunting prospect, having to live and breathe as the new you.
Fear of success is the fourth and perhaps most insidious of the fatal fears. We can all understand why it makes sense to want to avoid failure or feelings of inadequacy. But being successful in whatever you do is something most people strive for, so why would anyone actually be fearful of achieving it?
Well, give that question some thought and you’ll soon see it’s not as logic-defying as it may first appear. If fear of failure is based on worry about having to carry the burden that comes with being considered a “loser,” then fear of success is about the worry of carrying the baggage associated with being a “winner.”
Then there’s the “glass-ceiling syndrome,” which is particularly prevalent among people from visible minority communities (including those with disabilities), women and people from working class backgrounds. Negative experiences or knowledge of this syndrome can encourage people to believe they’ll never be able to achieve the success they desire because discrimination and the powers that be just won’t let it happen.
I’m not suggesting that glass ceilings don’t exist (evidence from personal experience and employment statistics from just about any field I can think of proves they do) or that hitting one doesn’t usually leave you with a pretty nasty bruise to your self-confidence. But the great thing about glass is that it can be broken, if you have the will and the skill to hit it in the right places.
I believe fear of success is a major factor in the thinking and attitude of those who use the existence of this virtual ceiling as an excuse for their contentment with operating just below it, and especially for those who eventually give up the challenge of trying to break through it.
One of the worst things about fear is the way that it seems to change depending on the circumstances, presenting a different face to scare you and a new challenge to be overcome. One of the bigger challenges is recognising fear of success in all of its disguises.
Fear of success can manifest in many forms: as a feeling you’ve accomplished all your goals but you’re still not satisfied or happy with life; a sense that even though you’ve achieved all your goals you still feel inadequate in comparison to some of your peers or colleagues; or a belief that if you achieve your goals you will no longer be motivated to pursue more success, or worse, that you will constantly be under pressure to achieve at even higher levels of success.
But by far the most common is a fear in relation to how others, especially peers, friends and family, will see you if you are successful. A fear that along with acknowledgement of your success will come a sense that you are no longer “one of them” and that people will want to separate from you either because they don’t feel worthy or because they begrudge what you’ve achieved.
It’s vital that you recognise that fear of success is always more to do with ingrained beliefs that you carry around with you, than with what anyone else actually thinks. Spurious, but surprisingly common ideas like “it’s tough at the top,” “no-one likes a winner” and “people usually support the underdog” are all good examples of thinking that breeds fear of success.
The key to overcoming fear of success lies in staying focused on the connection between attitude towards and achievement of the success you want for yourself. Only then will you be able to let go of the baggage that can hold you back, and start to see that striving for success in life is a major source of profit for your positive emotion account. Ways of doing this include regularly visualising what success looks like for you, and ensuring that loved ones, the aforementioned friends and family that really matter to you, are integral parts of your success vision.
Working on the basis that most of your nearest and dearest would want nothing but the best for you (as you do for them), it’s also important to encourage these people to be open and honest with you if they see you slacking away from achievement of your goals or making excuses for not pursuing them. Rather than worrying about how they will feel when you get there, use them to help motivate you along the road to success.
Your willingness and ability to fly is going to be a crucial part of getting plan for achieving your goals off the ground – metaphorically and spiritually, if not literally. In my experience, it’s the only way to rise above all the people and things that get in your way and block your view of whatever it is you want to achieve in this life. So the final fatal fear to be neutralised is fear of flying.
Fear of flying in aeroplanes, helicopters and hot air balloons is one of the most common phobias known to mankind. If you don’t suffer from this yourself you’ll almost certainly know someone who does. Like all of our fatal fears, this phobia is based on some highly irrational premises. Fear of flying is not only irrational, but as British comedian Bob Monkhouse once pointed out, it’s also a basic misnomer, because what people are actually concerned about is not flying, but crashing!
Fear of crashing makes more sense, but what’s the likelihood of an aeroplane crashing with you in it? Well, according to one statistic I recently came across your chances of being involved in an aircraft accident are something like 1 in 11 million. In other words, you’ve probably got more chance of winning the lottery! And you’ve certainly got more chance of being in a car accident, where the odds are about 1 in 5000. Yet overwhelmingly far fewer people have any kind of phobia about travelling in a motor vehicle.
For some people, fear of flying is connected to a sense of being “out of control” because they’re not the ones in the pilot’s seat. While technically as a driver in a car you do control the car (barring any mechanical failures, of course), you still have no power over other people’s driving skills and choices, and a tree branch will not refuse to fall on the bonnet of your car just because you’re behind the wheel.
Both fear of crashing and fear of losing control can be related to the other fatal fears we’ve already discussed. What’s more evocative of failure, for example, than an aeroplane crash? Doesn’t the successful arrival of your aeroplane at a far-away destination distance you from family and friends? And is anyone really, truly, comfortable with the fact that they’re in a completely alien environment, thirty thousand feet in the air?
However, what’s more significant is the way in which the metaphor of flying connects all of the other fatal fears together as the key to freeing yourself from the chains that hold you back and keep you forever grounded. In this context, flying – whether in an aeroplane or as a bird – is evocative of some very powerful ideas: the notion of “taking off,” the spirit of freedom, and the concept of “the sky’s the limit.” These are all seeds that will reap a rich harvest once planted and made ready for cultivation in your mind. They will certainly help to make light of the potentially weighty burden of being fearful of criticism, failure, change, and/or success. Understanding of the power of this metaphor for reaching for and achieving your goals is also, by the way, a very effective antidote to feelings of being challenged by the effect of racism, sexism, or any other “ism” you care to name.
That said, there is also great value in being grounded. Grounded in a metaphorical sense, by being firm-footed, having an understanding of your roots, and dealing in reality. The point is, this should not prevent you from or make you fearful of flying in any sense. Think of the boost your resolutions and plans for taking things to the next level in 2008 will receive when you start from a position of knowing you’re free to fly as far as your imagination can take you!
